Not Today

Warning: this post may contain triggers. Please avoid if you’re triggered by posts about suicide and suicide prevention.

Most of you know I struggle with suicidal ideation. This simply means thinking about or planning suicide.

I wanted to share today more about that. It’s probably one of the hardest things for me to be open about next to my psychosis. I don’t like to admit that I’ve been in this place before. There is a HUGE sense of shame with any mental illness let alone allowing it to get as far as I have in the past.

I’ve attempted to take my own life at least 3 times. Some of these were triggered by life events and some just happened without any real warning.

It is weird for me because when I try to recall these instances it’s like trying to see through fog or a dirty window. The memories just aren’t very clear.

The first attempt was when I was 21. Loki actually saved me. I had lined up and counted out 55 pills and I was ready. Then at the time baby Loki crawled into my lap. I held him and cried and just knew that I couldn’t leave him alone in such a cruel world.

My other attempts I’m not ready to talk about yet. One happened before Ben came into my life and at least one happened after he was in my life.

I wanted to let you all know some of my warning signs that might help you notice them in others. One of the first things I do when I actually have a plan is I try to start giving away things most precious to me to the people I love. It’s almost like I’m trying to get things in order. I also talk a lot about death. I’ll talk about how it happens, what happens after, etc. I become very calm and precise. I would say it’s almost an eerie calm.

I don’t tell people about all of this to be macabre. I want to help others. I want loved ones to know what to look for. I love being able to be a mental health advocate and try and help. I hate making it personal and sharing my own story about suicidal thoughts.

Many of us who struggle will get a tattoo. You’ve seen them around they’re a tiny semicolon ; usually on someone’s hand. It represents for those who have survived a suicide attempt that they could have stopped but decided to keep going. I don’t care for that tattoo/symbol. But I do have my own little something.

I got this a few years ago. It is Arya Stark’s sword “Needle”. In Game of Thrones Arya’s sword/combat teacher asks her, “what do we say to the god of death?” The answer is, “not today.” My tattoo represents all the times I have said not today to death.

If you’re struggling or know someone who is, don’t be afraid to get help. I have many many times. It’s ok not to be ok.

What do we say to the god of death? Not today.

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