What’s Really On The Mind Of Your Bipolar Friend

This is just me. Not every bipolar diagnosed person feels these things. I just want to clear the air on some things you might not realize or know about.

  1. I’m scared of my symptoms too. I see the world crumbling around me. Daily. Sometimes I feel so empty I question if I am just a dead body walking around. There have been times I wondered if it was possible to die from sadness. (BTW I truly believe it is actually possible.) I walk around stressed that I will launch into a manic episode. The prevailing symptom recently is delusions. I don’t get the “fun” ones where I feel like a superhero or anything. I get the pleasure of my mind totally screwing me over. I get into states where I question if I’m really bipolar. Then it spirals into psychosis where I feel like I might not even be real.
  2. I know I’m a hot mess.
  3. If I knew why I felt the way I did, I would try to fix it. I have a mood disorder. Trying to analyze and talk about my mood when I don’t even know why I’m in said mood just makes it worse. I’ll find myself just making up reasons why I’m upset just to try and please everyone who keeps asking me “why do you feel that way”. I make up a reason, even if there isn’t one to try and make it understandable for those around me. Instead of asking me a million questions, just put on a T.V. show I like or give me a snack and let it pass.
  4. Van Gogh. Lovato. Van Damme. Cobain. Churchill. Nightingale. Sinatra. Woolf. Artists, singers, actors, leaders and more have graced history with their talents and their diagnoses. It’s easy for me to start things like a painting or sculpture, musical instrument, novel, poem, whatever… then I usually end up destroying it. Why? Because that is what makes the most sense to me at that time. Or because my brain is yelling at me so loudly that I just want it to shut up. Yes, I can be creative but don’t expect me to be consistent with it. It comes and goes just as quickly as my moods. 
  5. I’m “normal”. I eat, drink, breathe, exist just like you. I just do it in a broader spectrum. I feel all the things you feel, just deeper.
  6. I am a specialist in my diagnoses. I have researched the crap out of my symptoms. I don’t necessarily fit into the clean-cut box of “Bipolar I with psychotic features” but that is the closest definition I can give to help others know what is going on in my brain. Please don’t compare me to your “crazy aunt” or “moody neighbor”.
  7. Please… for crying out loud… stop calling the weather bipolar. I get it. You have problems with the weather. Bipolar has the ability to destroy me and keep me from functioning. Put on a sweater and pack an umbrella, you’ll be fine.
  8. I am familiar with suicide. Most of the time my suicidal tendencies don’t lean towards, “I don’t want to live anymore”. That’s the version most people think of. Mine is usually, “It would be better for everyone else if I wasn’t here.”
  9. I go from being really proud of who I am to thinking I’m a total mistake.
  10. I don’t know how to live my life. But does anyone really? I try to avoid triggers. I accept what I can handle and grab Ben when something comes up that I can’t handle. There’s no manual for living with my disorder. They don’t even really know what causes it or chemically what’s happening in our brains. I let them shock my brain to try and help. Let me say that again. I let them shock my brain to try and help. So if you think I’m passively living with bipolar you’re wrong. I actively try to get better and be better and do better.

2 thoughts on “What’s Really On The Mind Of Your Bipolar Friend

Add yours

  1. “I feel all the things you feel, just deeper.” Yes, this. For me, it’s like being raw and exposed all of the time. It’s like my empathy chip is turned up to 11. It’s not always a bad thing, but it often physically hurts.

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