This is going to be difficult to write because it’s difficult stuff to talk about and my thoughts are all over the place, but here I go.
I’m not doing well mentally. Physically I’m doing pretty well. Mentally I’m completely unstable. I hate when people tell me, “wow, you’re doing so well!” You see, what they’re really saying to me is, “wow you’re off meds and not in the psych ward yet” which is super demeaning and I know people don’t mean it to sound that way but it feels pretty crappy. It looks like I’m doing so well because I was manic for quite a while and highly functional. I’m no longer manic. I’m completely off meds and I’m having trouble controlling my thoughts.
The most upsetting thing for me right now is that I’ve had to call off work multiple times since stopping the meds and it sucks. I feel like an awful employee, wife, daughter, friend. I’m failing. I’m letting everyone down because I can’t keep my crap together. My mom stayed with me all day today because I wasn’t feeling confident that I would be safe alone. That is one of the crappiest feelings… when you have to be babysat because your brain is literally trying to kill you.
I keep telling Ben that I just don’t want to be bipolar anymore, not that I ever wanted to be. It’s honestly tearing me apart. But there is good news, we found a house! It’s nice, definitely things I’ll want to fix up but I’m pretty excited. Right now it’s just tons of paperwork and bank stuff. Ben makes all the money so he is dealing with most of that. I try to help with what I can. Adulting sucks though, we both hate it. We just want to snuggle, play RedDead, Embroider, and watch Adventure Time.
We are also still planning on starting our family soon. That’s a whole new stressor that I just can’t even go into right now.
Life off of my medications is hard. Way harder than I was expecting. I lived so long with this illness off meds but I feel like as I get older my illness is also growing and changing with me. I know life is hard for everyone and I’m not belittling anyone else’s struggles but living life with bipolar is so disturbing. My moods are all over the place and it’s frustrating. Sleep and eating are rarities. I feel like I’m constantly hurting the people around me because I’m mentally ill. I want you all to know that even though I have these suicidal thoughts that I truly don’t want to leave any of you. It’s more of a feeling that you all would be much much better without me. I know this is irrational but it doesn’t diminish how real it feels to me.
God is good, and I will make it through even if someone has to sit on me when I get angry and violent or sit beside me when I’m not safe. I have an amazing support system. This includes family as well as my ESA babies Loki, Daisy, and Dobby. I’m blessed. I’ll get through.