Turns Out I’m A Human Woman

I posted recently about my boudoir photo shoot and I would like to go into a little more detail about that. First of all, it was just an idea for my husband for our 1 year anniversary. I wanted him to have pictures of me young and pre-babies and whatnot. Something he could have for when we get old and wrinkly and he can’t remember where he put his car keys let alone what I looked like in my 20’s. Anyways, this started out as a gift for my husband but became much more.

Something only my husband knows about me but I’m finally ready to share about now is that I was in a terrible relationship in my early 20’s (I know I’m still in my early 20’s but think like even earlier 20’s) that was very damaging to my body image. This guy told me what to wear, how I needed to do my hair, that I needed full makeup 24/7, how to take a selfie with the correct position and lighting and me being a big fat idiot listened to his every word. I got the clothes he wanted me to wear. I wore my makeup all the time. I straightened my hair every single morning (don’t do this, it’s terrible for your hair). Without getting super deep and dark which I totally could do, he destroyed my body image. He tore apart any positive thoughts I had about how I looked. Inevitably we broke up. Thank you, Jesus, for that one. And I was left feeling ugly and alone.

Since then I have trouble with my body image. I’m always asking Ben what he wants me to wear, how he wants my hair, does he want me to wear makeup and if so how much. It’s ridiculous really. But I can’t help it. My brain is now wired to think and feel these things. Ben always says he doesn’t care, that he loves how I look no matter what I do. It’s terribly hard to believe but I know he means it.

Going into this photoshoot I knew that I was going to look awkward and ugly. I asked Ben what to wear, how to do my hair, should I wear makeup. He said he likes my natural look so I very reluctantly didn’t do anything except put on a little mascara. Driving to the shoot the negative thoughts wouldn’t stop. You’re ugly. Why are you doing this? Nobody wants to see you like this. Just turn around and go home. This is stupid. You’re stupid. I could go on but you get the picture… I arrived and typical Faith style pretended like I was totally fine. I acted excited and happy. But inside I was terrified and quickly deteriorating into my self-loathing.

Luckily, Emily is amazing. She helped me pose and told me what to do. I still felt like I didn’t look good but I was getting through it. And I did get through it. As I waited for the next few days (with bug bites everywhere… I mean everywhere people I was in my underwear in the woods) I was dreading seeing these pictures. I figured I would just throw them all into a book on Shutterfly, give it to Ben on our anniversary, and hopefully never have to look at them again.

Then something happened. I got the pictures and I didn’t totally hate how I looked. I looked like a human woman. Not an ugly alien humanoid freak like I was picturing. Was I a perfect skinny alluring model? No. But I didn’t look fake. And that is what I love about these pictures. It’s me. I’m not perfect, but I’m not ugly either. I’m exactly how God made me. And I think that I am finally starting to accept my body and how I look again and I think that I’m starting to heal from the pain that I went through.

Here are some of my favorites from the shoot: Warning they are a little revealing so if you’re still super immature and can’t handle seeing a female person’s body without freaking out or being a pervert please look away.

I deeply feel like every woman should do this. I don’t care what stage you are at in your life. Young, Old, Fat, Skinny, Bruised, Scarred, Happy, Sad, Angry it doesn’t freaking matter okay? You are you today and that is what matters. These pictures don’t scream, “I’m depressed!” or “I’m bipolar!” or even “I’ve been suicidal in the past!” These pictures simply say, “I am Faith. I am me today. This is me.”

If you’re interested in getting a boudoir shoot done contact Emily Cover at Urban Original Photography. https://www.urbanoriginalphotography.com/ She is also on Facebook and Instagram. Her prices are great and her work is even better. She also did Ben and I’s wedding. She is the bee’s knees.

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