I really don’t know how to write this post. It does contain triggers so please don’t read if you’re sensitive to self-harm or suicidal ideation. Thursday, I had what I guess you would call a flare-up of my bipolar, perhaps manic, I’m not completely sure. I woke up extremely irritable. I woke up just not myself at all. I felt like a different person. Sylvia Plath wrote, “I am terrified by this dark thing that sleeps in me.” That’s exactly how I felt, angry and terrified.
Ben came home for lunch. I completely shut down. I had spent most of my morning laying on the bathroom floor praying for answers from God. Ben managed to get me on the couch but I couldn’t speak. I was totally and completely in my own head. I finally did answer him but I was very angry. Angry at nothing. I was just angry to be angry. Bipolar does that, it creates rage out of nothing.
I said things I wouldn’t ever say. I ended up leaving him at the apartment as I drove angrily to my parents. When the rage hits my brain always tells me to flee. To just get away from everyone. Eventually, Ben followed because I wasn’t answering my phone. Things got heated, I lost it and so did he. I hurt him. That is absolutely the worst thing about my disorder. I hurt the people I love by saying and doing things I never would imagine saying or doing.
Ben took Loki outside and my mind won. I tried to hurt myself. Luckily, Ben came back in and it didn’t work. I only came out with minor scratches.
“Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.” -Mark Twain
So why am I writing this? Why am I allowing you into my personal struggles? Because I want people to know the reality of bipolar disorder. I want you to know it isn’t just extreme happiness and extreme sadness. It’s a disease. It’s darkness. It’s uncontrollable anger. It’s my mind telling me that it would be a blessing to all of my family and friends if I just took myself out of this world.
I write this because I’m filled with regret and guilt. I hurt the person I love the most and though he has forgiven me time and time again it still hurts. I want all of my friends and family, mostly my Mom and Ben who deal with me when I’m mean, to know that I don’t mean it. That it’s not me. My mind tries to push everyone away in those moments because it’s literally trying to kill me. If someone you love is struggling with bipolar or mental illness and they seem like they’re being mean, telling you to go away, please don’t listen to them. It’s dangerous to leave someone alone when they’re purposefully trying to get you to leave. Normally, they want you to leave so that their mind can finally win. It’s a battle and we can’t fight it alone. Stay with us through the anger, it will pass.
God is good. He sent Ben to help and save me. He gave me parents who love unconditionally. He blessed us with Ben’s parents who we can call and talk to any time. He gave me a sister who lets me come over in tears late at night just for a hug. God is there even when the darkness is so great that I can’t hear Him.